Puppet Show

The Endlessness Of The Stars

2012-01-10T02:15:00.008-05:00

When I finally surpassed the endlessness of the stars and reached the edge of our ever-expanding universe, my spaceship turbulently blew through its outer boundaries, whereupon everything went black and I awoke alone in a quiet and comfortable white nothingness. It was there that I began my search for God.

And there I was, a stranger in a place that was surely not meant for strangers. Someone had obviously went to great lengths to keep such a location a secret. After all there was a whole universe in the way, full of treacherous black holes and exploding stars and asshole aliens in spaceships with laser guns. But I found it. I knew there was something magnificent out there waiting to be found. I imagined such a place and I believed in its existence.

The space that I had found was immaculate and classy. Its very existence was effortless. It proclaimed innocence. Colors and shapes began appearing to mimic my thoughts and emotions. The experience began to resemble that of a psychedelic trip. I got impossibly lost in my perpetual inner reflection for what seemed like days. By the end of it, I was most enlightened and at complete peace within myself. Any questions that I had previously were answered in full. I couldn't help but view my former self as some kind of brain-dead gorilla who was a hammer and nails short of a toolshed.

Fuck. I wondered what my life would've been like had I never found such a place. Of course, I knew the answer to this, having been shown. The truth is that I always would have found it. I was always meant to find and learn the truth. There is never any path but the one I am taking.

Mr. Whiskers III

2012-01-10T00:59:00.000-05:00

Today Mr. Whiskers apologized for being 'distant' and we have since made up. Well, he didn't technically issue me an apology, but we've talked things over and I am willing to move on. Mr. Whiskers says that he's concerned about me. He says that I've been in the midst of a nightmarish fever for the past four days, shaking and screaming and scribbling things down on paper. He thought that I had died on a few occasions, until the guards came in and poured cold water on me and I flinched. He says that since witnessing my episodes, he has become more open to the idea of escape. Somehow, I don't even remember much of what happened.

from here on death is the only one who makes a profit and we are the revenue we are the payment we are the living and dying metaphors of risky business capitalism in a game of velocity and lead. like the guinea pigs of time and the losers of an era falling from our apex in a universe without risk management or interplanetary accountability but arise arise and have no fear i am the anti non solution type of guy. this is a quarantine. this is perpetual servitude and vanity. its the tradition its in the blood its in the gravestones far off where we cant see them they might as well not be there.

I've been thinking that Mr. Whiskers and I would make excellent superheroes. We would for sure do good deeds and save people like ourselves who are trapped unjustly in foreign jails. I could carry him around in a backpack wherever we went. I would lack the kind of superpowers that he has, but I could still fly the planes, drive the cars and do a lot of the dirty work. I would also be the one to come up with all the good plans and ideas, like flying a plane into the prison's administration building just as we jump out the side door with parachutes and rifles and grenades. We would then launch a full ground assault, eliminating all the guards while remaining unscathed ourselves. Everyone would be freed, but there would be no time for us to party or mingle with women as we would already be on to our next mission. Maybe, just maybe, there is a superhero and his sidekick who have thought of this already and are going to free us from this place.

Mr. Whiskers: Division

2011-06-22T01:20:00.000-04:00

We are nocturnal creatures. We are wide awake on opposite sides of our cell, not talking at all. Truth be told, we have grown quite tired of each other, so much that I find myself reconsidering our status as BFF's. Perhaps Mr. Whiskers and I could be normal friends, or maybe even simple acquaintances with no particular emotions or opinions concerning the other. We would just be two heartless prison mates, speaking only when necessary and lacking any common bond. No spooning on cold nights.

Mr. Whiskers possesses many abilities that I do not. He can always hear my heart beating, and at night my grinding teeth keep him awake. His brain can easily keep track of the time, much like a clock, and he is capable of thinking several thoughts simultaneously with clarity. Mr. Whiskers says I should be more grateful for my life as I only have one life to live. He has nine lives total. He doubts he'll miss me when I'm gone.

The way I see it, he owes me some respect and gratitude. Police in this country take opium trafficking very seriously. They left his friend to die in solitary confinement with no food or water. I kind of adopted him after that. It was a very traumatic time for the both of us.

I've tried to convince him that we should escape, by any means necessary. It's not like our prison term will end or someone will come and bail us out. We are just living here indefinitely until someone decides to stop feeding us. There is really no hope aside from escape. Plus, I have a stolen gun hidden in a hole in the wall, which I acquired about two weeks ago when the guards let us outside. It appears that my constant urge to steal may pay off in the event we decide to escape. When the guards discovered that the gun was missing, many cells were searched and the usual suspects received beatings. Nobody bothered us though. We are under the radar. The guards wouldn't even consider us as being the types to commit such trickery.

Mr. Whiskers says it's not worth it to escape. He says that I would shoot a few guards and make a break for the perimeter, but that I'd be killed or caught long before I could ever make it out. It's probably true, and being caught would be bad. I would surely live out the remaining moments of my life in unfathomed agony. Mr. Whiskers says its best to go with the flow and comply for now. He says the food here isn't even that bad, aside from having bugs sometimes. We have not talked since.

Mr. Whiskers And The Turkish Prison

2011-06-21T00:40:00.000-04:00

The air in here is stale and I've come to realize that you're no better. We prefer sitting in the dark because there's no confrontation when somebody walks in. We can just sit here drooling with our eyes half open and not worry about being seen or having our picture taken. Mr. Whiskers says I'm not very photogenic.

Mr. Whiskers says it's about time you realize that you're not the only one with those crazy thoughts and secrets inside your head. But maybe it's best for you to keep them there. If his deepest suspicions were confirmed, he could never look at you the same way again.

Mr. Whiskers says that everything happens for a reason and that everything eventually happens. He says that if you are at a restaurant and you happen to save a choking victim, you are only delaying that person's eventual death. Instead, he says, you could be doing them a favor by letting them die then and there because their next run in with death may be the result of an unfortunate and painful wood-chipping accident. On the other hand, if you decided to stay home that evening, the same person may have died that much more prematurely. I told Mr. Whiskers that it's best not to think too hard about such things.

The old debates are getting tiresome. Mr. Whiskers and I have pretty much mastered philosophical thought and are quite satisfied with our explanations for everything. It is true - there is no one left to challenge our beliefs nor steer us back to reality. And so, in our tiny, dark room, we enjoy the warm acceptance that like-mindedness provides, exchange smiles and continue to drool with our eyes half open.

Wine

2010-06-14T02:50:00.005-04:00

All I want to do today is drink from this bottle of wine.

Try Everything At Least Once

2010-01-05T03:07:00.007-05:00

Everywhere you look, whether it's on television, the Internet, or in books and magazines, there's fear readily available to be sold and spoon fed to the largely gullible masses, right in the comfort of their insanely expensive and isolated suburban homes. You are no exception, you ignorant and apathetic malcontent. But you're in luck, this post is for you!

Drugs!

It's a common misconception that drugs are harmful to your health. A few injections of heroin and a little crack-cocaine never hurt anyone. And did you know that alcohol really isn't addictive? People just pretend to like it because it's cool and accepted to partake.

There are so many drugs and alcoholic beverages out there to choose from, so choose wisely based on the requirements of your target social scene, and prepare to be accepted by those around you for your willingness to sell-out and fit in. Remember, the government funds anti-drug operations in order to prevent you from having euphoric and mind-opening experiences that will enrich your life. They want to limit your personal freedom, and they want you to be stupid. So do drugs and don't listen to what other people say!

Have Some Balls!

The next time you get mugged on the street by a guy with a knife or find yourself held at gunpoint during a bank robbery, stick up for yourself and your money! Without money you'll get nowhere in life. How will you buy a house? How will you pay for prostitutes? And how will you provide modern conveniences to your wife and children? Exactly. No thief will really have the guts to stab or shoot you, so why wait for the police to arrive when you can be vigilant and solve problems yourself? You are competent, aren't you?

Also, we must not forget other forms of risk-taking, such as jumping from planes and scuba-diving under tsunami waves. Some people say that these are unnecessary risks to take. Well, some people just don't know what REAL excitement is. You and I both know that you've got to impress your friends and family FAST. Success in life through education and hard work is much too boring and time-consuming, not to mention nerdy.

That's all for today's installment. Thanks for reading. Here's an outline of what we have learned today:

Question Of The Day

2009-09-10T00:02:00.006-04:00

Did the bug fall into my delicious bowl of beef vegetable soup after I quickly wiped it off my arm?

Oh well, extra protein.

Lulz

2009-06-11T20:26:00.004-04:00

“I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

The moral of this story is simple. Always keep your condoms in your car.”

The World In Dreams

2009-04-06T01:49:00.003-04:00

As the world becomes increasingly unified economically, militarily, spiritually, and in all other matters, either out of goodwill or out of necessity, the world seen in dreams is becoming less of a dream and more of an achievable, tangible and necessary vision for the people of the world.

The world in dreams is made of the hopes, aspirations and goals of every individual human being, realistic or not, with the only limit being one's imagination. In one word, self-actualization, the quest to live to one's full potential, the fifth and final human need after all other needs have been met - basic needs (food, water, sleep), safety (not in danger, financial security), love (friendship, family, sex) and self-esteem (respect, confidence).

For many of the millions of people living in nations stricken by beasts of poverty and war, largely unable to reap the benefits of our interconnectedness, a sense of self-actualization is made all the more difficult to achieve. But, as technology continues to develop and the world gets smaller, much of what was once thought of as impossible is now possible, and for more people.

One valid question is whether or not we can or will ever truly reach that point. We probably never will, because self-actualization actually requires us to keep pushing our boundaries and to evolve as thinking beings. Of course, in the way is the growing list of problems facing the world. There are big voices and little voices, and we all know who gets to do the most talking.

The line between our world and the world in dreams continues to fade and the paradigm shift awaits. How we will all change remains to be seen.

Introduction To My Self-Help Programs

2008-08-22T01:33:00.020-04:00

I admit that I have a tendency to be extremely critical of others at times, although it's usually not without just cause. There are a great number of things that are permitted to thrive in this world that should completely piss off any decent human being. The seemingly insignificant little hypocrisies and politics of daily life that otherwise go unnoticed by most people, hit me in the face like hurled piles of monkey shit. Somehow I can always find the flaws in anyone and anything, including myself.

Regardless, you should be thankful for people like me. It's people like myself that help you strive to be a better, less annoying person by making a point of how incompatible you are with life and those around you. Don't believe me? Still a skeptic? Well, I was a skeptic of just about any form of advice I gave to anyone, until I started writing self-help books. There's just something about having your words written down that suddenly validates them and makes them believable. Just read these testimonials from customers of my awesome self-help programs:

Dan,

I just finished your video program, "How Not To Be An Idiot - For Idiots", and I really feel it has made me less of an idiot. I have learned to acknowledge people and say "thank you" to them when they go out of their way for me. You see, I never did this before because I was always in such a goddamn rush and thus persuaded people to believe that I had a cattle prod stuck up my ass.

I have also learned that some people around the world don't have access to the convenient things that I frequently take for granted, like food and water, a warm home, relative safety, and so forth. Now I feel terrible for all the times I bitched at my wife when there wasn't any beer in the house and for the times that I nearly hit children while speeding through school crossing zones on my way to pick some up.

I am currently half way through your other book, "Common Sense For The Common Senseless", and I can't wait to pass the final test and have my certificate sent to me in the mail!

Thank you! You've absolutely changed my life!

-James

They say the first step towards rehabilitation is admitting that you have a problem. Unfortunately, that's not always enough. Sometimes stupidity is genetic or, at the very least, strongly encouraged by those around you, and you can't seem to break free from its spell. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just don't pass the test. And that's why James selflessly donated his brain to our lab three weeks after I received his letter. His dying wish was for all children to be born with common sense. How inspiring!

Our next letter comes from a celebrity of sorts:

Hello there!

When one of your self-help programs was recommended to me by a close business associate, I completely dismissed it as junk because, well, I'm famous and at the time I felt that I had it all and didn't need the advice of some 22 year old guy (and especially not a Canadian). But one night when I was down in the dumps and standing on the balcony of my 16th story hotel room ready to end it all, I decided to give life one more chance and gave your CD a listen. All I can say is, WOW, did it ever change my perspective on life!

I'm still relatively famous, but I have almost no credibility among the educated and most people only pay attention to me because I'm an attention-seeking troll that will say anything to cause controversy, especially in my books or on live television. As you can see, I have a lot of people to stir up, and I can't just stop now. As a result, the main thing that changed after I finished your program was that I stopped believing my own lies. Now I just lie because it's what people expect.

I'm really sorry, but I have a lot of money riding on this personality of mine. But, if I can be honest, sometimes when I'm spewing my ignorance on CNN or Fox News, I think about you sitting there watching, totally catching me every time I contradict myself and seeing every flaw in my completely uninformed opinions, wanting to reach through the camera to strangle me, and it really makes me sad. But, I've already ordered another one of your programs to help me - "Prozac and Denial: Your Guide To Happiness". I hope this one will help me reach some sort of compromise in regards to this situation.

Oh, and are you single? You know, I really am a woman.

Sincerely,

Anne Coulter

I'm glad I could help you, Anne, but there's nothing you can do or say that will ever convince me that you weren't once a man, and that essentially ruins any possibility of us being in a relationship together. By the look of things, the surgery didn't go too well.

That was just a small sampling of testimonials I have received from plenty of very satisfied customers. Here are some of my other popular self-help programs that were not mentioned, which may be of some interest to you:

Sports Cars, Multi-Million Dollar Homes & White Collar Work: Your Guide To A Complete Social Penis Extension

The Cupcake Conspiracy: How To Sleaze Huge Cash Payouts From Corporations By Blaming Them For Your Chronic Obesity & Related Health Problems

The Michael Jackson Indictment Game: How To Bring Forth Believable Molestation Claims, Receive Mainstream Media Attention & Win Millions Of Dollars Through Plea Bargaining (comes with a model of Michael, his Neverland ranch, home and personal airplane, and a young boy, so you may re-enact the molestation several times and get your story straight for the investigators)

My Resume

2008-06-06T17:48:00.001-04:00

Dan

Guy @ The Bus Station

St. Catharines, ON

pornjunkie69@hotmail.com

CAREER OBJECTIVE

To acquire a high-paying position with your company selling high-priced goods that were produced in a third world sweatshop for less than 5% of the purchase price, and gain valuable experience exploiting customers and stealing company profits while I sleaze my way up the corporate ladder with a mix of well-told lies and fake personality traits.

HIGHLIGHTS OF QUALIFICATIONS

* ability to think "inside the box"

* extensive sexual experience

* professional box constructor and speller of words

* consumes a lot of dairy

EDUCATION

H.S. Diploma

Regional School For The Criminally Insane

Happy Island, Pacific Ocean

I was sent to this school after I burned down my high school and drowned my principle in a cement mixer. The judicial system didn't want me placed in prison at such a young age, so I went to a juvenile school of sorts. I cleaned a lot and am quite good at that sort of thing now. I think I might be a janitor someday if the pay is right.

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY

Jumper

New Heights Management

St. Catharines, ON

When I got out of juvy, I had a lot of trouble finding a job. New Heights brought me in from the cold, paid me a handsome wage, and only required 2 hours of work a day from me. I participated in several experiments designed to measure the height from which a human could fall before injury and/or death occurred. There were no flashy parachutes or landing cushions involved. I'd take a leap and it'd just be my feet to the concrete. They even paid for the motorized wheelchair which I am now confined to.

ACTIVITIES AND HONORS

Grandson Extraordinaire

I once won an award as a sock-puppet ventriloquist entertaining the family. Grandma gave me a sticker and I've kept it ever since.

AFFILIATIONS

Recovering Addict

Heroine Addicts Anonymous

Niagara Falls, New York

I struggled with an intense heroine addiction while I was a teenager/young adult. When I got myself back together, I volunteered to help other recovering addicts. They began offering me heroine and I gave into the cravings after 2 weeks. I'm recovering again and now I'm not allowed to work there anymore.

LICENSES

Fishing License

Ministry of Fishing and Gaming

I paid $10.00 for a fishing license once but can't seem to find my card. However, I do receive newsletters in the mail sometimes, as I am still a member.

Please Hire

Evidence For Stupid

2008-05-22T02:32:00.015-04:00

As I've learned, being under the influence has a tendency to cause even the most menial and simplest of tasks to become utterly complex, painfully time-consuming catalysts for deep inner reflection. So, usually, I try to focus, keep things simple, and go twice as fast as I normally would in order to keep things moving along and avoid losing myself in the reflection of a spoon.

I've also learned that there is only a limited amount of space inside the refrigerator, and certain items have to go in certain spots in order for everything to fit properly. Some might think a full fridge is a good problem to have, and it is, but mine consists of about 60% packaged food/drink and 40% empty packages, empty jugs/cartons, and about ten or so bottles of various condiments that are rarely used. So since the fridge is rarely cleaned out and space is always an issue, it's difficult to introduce new items, like say a jar of strawberry jam.

To me, a jar of strawberry jam is a high priority fridge item. It's up there with along with milk, eggs and bacon as my personal food staples. A jar of strawberry jam deserves a place of it's own.

So, being in the rush that I was to eat my p&j sandwich, as if I had mere seconds left to eat it or risk dying on the spot of starvation, I sinned and tucked the jar of strawberry jam in the milk jug's spot in an attempt to save myself some time. I really thought that I was clever in leaving the problem of rummaging for space to someone else. Whoever returned the milk jug would be doing some serious re-arranging, but it wouldn't be me. I'd be enjoying my sandwich. Except that didn't happen, because then I realized that I had already taken out the milk jug and it was still sitting on the counter beside my glass of milk.

I've realized that there are numerous things a person shouldn't do while stoned, and that includes staring at your pet while listening to dark music with lyrics focusing on complex spiritual matters. I was half convinced my rabbit was communicating to me through the lyrics of a song, telling me he's been my spirit guide all along and was about to whisk me away into another reality. It would kinda make sense, though.

It's also good to remember to check that your headphones are actually plugged in to the computer before you open the volume controls, fiddle with the settings, and think hard about why the sound is muted when the controls tell you otherwise, because chances are you were too stoned to remember to plug in your headphones. FAIL.

Pretext For The Disaster

2008-03-13T03:30:00.012-04:00

Well, it appears that writing just hasn't been a priority for me since about mid-November of last year. I guess that's partially due to my unwillingness to commit to any ideas requiring too much brain power - a testament to my frequent lack of motivation. I've been thinking about the kind of things I could accomplish if I was motivated enough. I have a little mental list going. I could make better use of my time, for one, and work towards accomplishing more things that are important to me. I think that would include being in a band because we all know it's better to voice opinions through music than to voice them without music like some boring politician. Well, unless your Barack Obama and musicians make songs that are kinda about you.

So, the point is, I've come to understand the reason behind my lack of motivation. I should have known it all along! It's so simple. When I started this blog, I never bothered to write a Mission Statement! We all know that every blogger needs a Mission Statement, if only to provide a general outline to remind that person why they bother writing in the first place.

Wait. I'm not sure that you're getting it. MISSION STATEMENT. Very official and most formal. A clear outline. Words to write by.

I encourage every blogger to come up with their own Mission Statement to further justify long hours of Internet use and boosting of ego (i.e growth of e-penis). So, here is the *OFFICIAL* and most formal MISSION STATEMENT for Puppet Show. Finally.

Puppet Show Mission Statement/Pretext for the Disaster

Written by: Dan

Once upon a time, I was conceived by accident. Years passed as I grew into a menacing little bastard toddler who enjoyed sticking utensils and sandwiches into VCRs, throwing every remote control into the trash, and slapping his grandmother in the face. Then as I grew older, I learned that this type of behavior was unacceptable and was convinced by the others to behave differently. Older still, I began to realize how disappointing the world had turned out to be and considered a life of crime. Maturing slightly, I chose to be poetic instead, but soon realized that I couldn't express myself properly within the confines of rhyme and verse. More years passed and I became overwhelmed by my opinions to the point where I truly believed I was crazy. Then I had an epiphany where I realized how out of line the world is, and how I had wrongly doubted myself. Now I am armed with a pen* and paper**, and no mercy.

The content featured on this blog is:

only 99% original, for liability purposes

riddled with evidence supporting the notion that I should be institutionalized

...and is mostly created without the influence of drugs and alcohol. How about that!

*keyboard
**blog

Disclaimer: Puppet Show does not endorse the abuse of grandmothers, nor do we consider the insertion of metal objects into electrical devices as a safe or acceptable activity. We do, however, morally support the continued struggle against the television for it's control over humanity.

Intermission

2008-02-11T04:35:00.002-05:00

A Message from the Puppet Show Staff

We would like to apologize for the lack of activity on this blog as of late. Due to the ongoing writers' strike, Dan has been unavailable for blogging. Attempts to contact him and encourage him to rogue blog in direct violation of his contractual agreements have not been successful.

We had originally sought to find a suitable replacement to serve as a temporary fill-in writer, but as you can see from the over-flowing trash bins in our office, reader submissions and staff ideas have fallen short. Rather than risk setting the bar even lower, we've decided against hiring a replacement and will instead wait for the situation to be resolved and for Dan to return. Thank you.

Seasons Greetings

2007-12-18T02:20:00.002-05:00

Fashionably late as always, the rabbit and I would like to take this time to wish everyone a belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I wanted to be a part of this year's photo, but Buddy prefers to pose alone to prevent anyone from taking away from his magnificence. He also wants everyone to know that, despite his serious demeanor and lack of income, he is very much enthused about the season's festivities and especially enjoys the part where he gets to lay under the tree.

Hey Ricky

2007-12-05T04:44:00.006-05:00

Sometimes when I'm alone and left to my thoughts, I think about some scary things. I think about what it would be like if I suddenly disappeared and then re-appeared a couple miles above the clouds somewhere, left to fall to my death. Hey Ricky, remember when we were kids and we'd hang upside-down on the monkey bars or lean so far back on the swing that it seemed like we were standing on the clouds and about to fall into the bottomless blue sky?

I guess it would kinda be like that but with the added sensation of falling and complete awareness of my impending doom. I could probably handle it, though. I'd just curl up in the fetal position, accept my fate as best I could and wait to smash through a roof somewhere, completely destroying a little boy's beloved Xbox 360. The child would be permanently scarred and potentially forced to experience real life for an extended period of time.

Or maybe I would suddenly appear in the middle of the ocean, perhaps in the middle of a storm for dramatic effect. It's safe to say that you would never hear from me again.

The Binky

2007-07-24T05:06:00.001-04:00

Behold, the rabbit phenomenon known as the "binky," caught on tape. 11/10 on the cuteness scale.

More Binkies

2007-07-24T05:03:00.001-04:00

Formication

2007-07-04T04:13:00.003-04:00

I told Justine that there are hundreds of mites dwelling inside her mattress, eager to sink their teeth into her skin and drain her of her blood. That was all a lie of course, but now she's afraid to sleep. She said that there are countless bacteria living on my skin and within my body, and that they're just as ugly as the mites, if not worse. I was laying on the floor in a daze and I began to see tiny bugs crawling around on me and I could feel them making their way through my skin and organs. Such an odd and painful tingling sensation.

I watched them longer, and they started to thicken and grow, and I could hear them communicating with each other. Paranoid at the crawling sensations all over my body and the chatter, I tore off my clothes and began frantically ripping and peeling my skin off. But underneath my skin was more of them. They squirmed around in my blood and moved in and out of my muscles. I asked them what they wanted, and they politely asked for sugar.

I ran to the local A&P completely naked and bleeding, and begged the clerk for sugar, much like a crazy meth addict would run up to a stranger and beg for their change. Justine tagged along, half concerned for my well-being and half curious of what I was doing. When I found the aisle that had the sugar, I poured it out into a big pile on the floor. Instantly, the bugs left my body and proceeded to devour it. A small percentage of bugs preferred brown sugar over white and the proper accommodations were made.

So now I'm back at Justine's recovering from my self-inflicted wounds, and I don't want to talk about bugs anymore.

This Post Is Brought To You In Part By Domingo Fruit Juice

2007-05-01T03:03:00.003-04:00

1. Tell us about your home planet.

People call it "Earth." It's really hard to describe unless you've actually been there yourself. Nobody agrees on much of anything, lots of people are poor and starving even though we have more than enough of everything for everyone, and it's somewhat polluted. With the evolution of technology, things have become very impersonal and somewhat maniacal. Greed, pride and ego are the traits of the powerful. The true heroes of our society are not those who are courageous, selfless and humble, but the ones who sing catchy tunes and smile in front of the cameras. Our leaders kiss babies and give fair speeches to the easily-swayed masses, but many of them lead secret lives. We all do, in a way. We are like our own virus. There's a part of everyone that needs to be parted with. If you can spare us some, we could always use some love.

The Rabbit Has Become Completely Lethargic

2007-03-28T05:06:00.000-04:00

I Know I Can Never Win

2007-03-24T03:50:00.002-04:00

Death can come quickly, like in Deep Impact where the asteroid impacts the ocean and creates the mega-tsunami that sweeps the coastlines as people watch and are forced to come to terms with the realization that they are about to be swept away. Of course, unlike in the movies, and regardless of personal belief, most people in that situation would probably pray. Because all at once, all your worries and concerns could become meaningless and irrelevant. You could be caught by surprise. You could be forced to see everything in a different light. Personally, I hope I'm sleeping if something like that ever happens.

People love to argue and debate about anything and everything. It doesn't matter how fantastically out of their grasp and range of understanding it is, how impossible it is to conclude, or how much of a waste of time it is to everyone involved. On a message board somewhere, people are using their time and energy to relentlessly argue about the state of a celebrity's mental health. On another, someone realizes he's been proven wrong and resorts to attacking the character of a complete stranger, among a series of other apparently clever attacks, as if it will somehow redeem him.

In a warm home, a millionaire is pleased with himself and gives no thought to those of less fortune, maybe because they are thousands of miles away, maybe because America is the land of opportunity, and maybe because he/she simply doesn't give a fuck.

And it's the same old story over and over. People are born into poverty and ignored by a world that has no excuse not to help, a world that turns its back time and time again to the cries of human suffering. Makes one wonder why we don't do more. Why are we so concerned with ourselves and our own interests when there's so much more that could bring meaning to our lives? Like, you know, caring.

Inside the brain of a guy named Dan, the word 'ridiculous' continuously plays in the form of a movie containing all the realizations he has failed to come to terms with. And in front of a computer screen, someone is questioning his mental state because, you know, he keeps talking about himself in the third person and keeps writing about all this stupid shit.

There comes a point in your life, hopefully, when you wake up and realize that truth really doesn't matter to most people. What matters is how well they are able to serve themselves. So, what do you do then? Do you strive to convince everyone in the world they should act in a different way? Do you give up? Do you do what you can do? There really is no hope for humanity if we continue to desensitize ourselves to the fact that we are in this world together and must play a part in our own collective survival. Better to suffer for the truth or be comfortable in deception?

Well, I've got some news. A giant shit tsunami is coming, and it will be the result of our failures as a race. As of right now, we're not moving forward, so you have a good idea how things are going to turn out if we keep heading in this direction.

I, for one, could use a fresh start.

2016: Space Tourism Explosion And Chaos Theory

2007-02-18T03:35:00.002-05:00

In some Sunday comic strip, if it were possible to fit this story into a few captions and pictures, they'd probably name him something like 'Hapless Harry' for effect, but in all truth his name was just Harry. But he really was quite unfortunate.

As with any new technology, those involved in the early development stages struggle to upgrade it to a point where it becomes relevant and safe enough for humans to actually use and embrace. But for some technologies, these upgrades spawn such further exploitation that the advanced forms of the said technology become unreasonable and often dangerous. In the 80's, not many people would've given serious thought to having their own computer, for example. In 2007, they're close to developing computers for domestic use that are capable of performing as well as 'super-computers'. Now, don't get me wrong, I would love to have one, but I just wonder what I would do with all that excess capability. Maybe conquer the world? See, dangerous. Well, we're really getting off track here. The point is that this is how things will become for space tourism. And I only know this because I am secretly a time traveler. Now, back to the point-of-view of someone who's from the future:

You see, as time went on, the novelty of humans being in space gradually wore off as commercial trips became significantly less expensive and it seemed every person and their grandma had visited space. So they started putting together 'space packages', instead of just offering rides on shuttles that dipped you into space for a couple minutes and then nose-dived back into earth's atmosphere. And since it was mostly elderly rich men who could afford these new packages (aside from Oprah Winfrey, who was lost on her first trip when the shuttle's advanced A.I computer system deemed it necessary to self-destruct in order to save mankind from 'O' magazine) it was only a matter of time before 'space golfing' was created. Who wants to play golf under the influence of gravity when you can shoot balls off into space and never have to worry about making par? All you had to do was wait until the shuttle entered orbit, suit up and secure yourself to a safety device, then head out to the platform and go nuts.

The obvious problem with this was that thousands upon thousands of golf balls eventually entered orbit, posing threats to countless satellites and other spacecraft. Of course, this was known from the get-go, but with the rapid, ambitious advances in space tourism, laws could not be put passed quickly enough to effectively regulate these kinds of things. And if golfing in space was made an illegal practice in one country, the shuttle would just be moved and launched from someplace else. You know, like Madagascar.

Fun Fact: After a couple years, clusters of golf balls could sometimes be seen at night moving across the sky, much like a comet.

On the fateful day, I remember entering Harry's bedroom, sitting on his bed and thinking about what I had just witnessed down the street a few hours earlier. I picked up a section of newspaper lying on his floor and started to browse through, as if it somehow mattered, but maybe just to go through the motions and keep myself from staring at the closet in front of me for the next hour in shock. The title read, "Dark Matters". At first, I admittedly thought it was a title for some lame newspaper article promoting issues that affected goths, but that didn't fit considering the type of guy Harry was. Then I remembered the whole scientific aspect of Dark Matter and how it applies to the universe, and the fact that Harry was interested in that sort of thing. It was actually just a horoscope. Harry's read:

Horoscopes by Eugene Star
Gemini
June 25, 2018
Avoid airports, underground transit systems, water-ways and lakes, construction sites, and other areas where a high potential for injury exists. If an asteroid were to hit earth today, you'd be its destination. Of course, if you're already prepared for that sort of thing, then don't worry about it.

So there I was hours prior, walking through the park on my way home, when I seen a couple people pointing at the sky. The debris was spread out in essentially every direction. So, like everyone else, I stopped and watched. After about twenty minutes went by, just as I happened to be fixated on something in the opposite direction, a large piece of leftover debris slammed into the neighbourhood off to my right. It looked and sounded as if a plane had just crashed. And yes, you guessed it. It came for Harry. They didn't really find much of his remains. Seems his horoscope was pretty accurate after all.

And let me tell you, after seeing that, you truly do realize that anything can happen. I mean, what are the chances of the I.S.S falling out of orbit as a result of golf balls and plummeting to the earth aflame and killing you while you're sitting in your car? And what are the chances of that happening to someone you talked to every other day?

So, I'm kind of looking for this Eugene Star person.

2007

2007-01-01T01:57:00.001-05:00

As you can see, I had a great time ringing in the new year with a bunch of babes in a pool. Who can really be sure what happened in the time leading up to the final countdown, as what happens in Vegas probably should never have happened to begin with and can rarely be coherently recalled. Oh, and as I correctly predicted one year ago, 2006 was pretty much a complete letdown. So, what are we to expect this year?

Dan

2006-10-11T06:28:00.006-04:00

To help pass the time, I've divided myself into different personalities. We can carry on conversations for hours, and it really feels great to vent all my prejudices and complaints through one personality and then chastise them with the others. Blaming only 1/5 of yourself does wonders for your self esteem and also helps to relieve a great deal of guilt. Oh, I'm sorry, we haven't been properly acquainted. I'm Dan, the collective personality. Nice to meet you. Here's something for you to think about. Why? I don't know.

Generic Formula For A Commercial:

A useless product idea pulled out of someone's' ass + Unconvincing actors with wide shit-eating grins + 30 seconds of your life that you can never get back

Generic Formula For My Writing:

Literature supporting the notion that free speech should be restricted + Shady characters and swiss cheese plot lines + Hours of your life that you will never get back

So which do you prefer? Please keep in mind that "neither" is not an option. Third party options are always cop-outs. Remember, we live in a world where everything is one or the other. Jump or seek therapy. Get rich or die trying. Vote Democrat or vote Republican. You're with us or you're against us! You get the idea.

Buddy

2006-09-16T21:19:00.001-04:00

Today, and after several moments of struggling, I managed to get the rabbit to sit calmly in my lap. He then tried to nibble a piece of my shirt and, in the process, bit off a small chunk of the skin on my stomach.

The highlight of my day off. I really don't get enough of them. Think of all the great memories I could make if I had more time to myself. I could,

-Stare at the wall
-Hit my head against the wall
-Punch a hole in the wall
-Feed the rabbit lettuce

Who Needs Suicide When The World's Got Bad Habits?

2006-04-28T03:34:00.002-04:00

I am just waiting for something to explode. I'm bored of television and the antics of those on it. I used to count all the major disasters that occur each year around the globe, and it made me realize that the number is gradually increasing. We haven't met quota this year, but there's still lots of time. It's a horrible thought, I know. Even more horrible is the fact that it's true.

Maybe you or I will turn out to be the next major disaster. After all, it's always the people that want to live that find themselves dead. There's lots of people in the world who want to die, but I am not one of them. Who needs suicide when the world has such bad habits?

Reading, Roulette & Re-habilitation

2006-04-01T17:50:00.002-05:00

I've always been curious about people who spend a great deal of time reading. Specifically, those that go through novels like they are cigarettes. Little do we know that it's all just a joke, with every page proudly proclaiming to the reader that they are fooling everyone around them. Our first perception of the reader is that of a deep and thoughtful intellectual, consumed by his/her latest adventure in text. You will notice that pictures seldom make an appearance in their books. This is because the intellectual's brain is so imaginative that it can morph the written text and make it into a vibrant, living daydream.

I suppose I should find it kind of ironic that I rarely enjoy reading, considering how much I write, but I really don't. I write mainly to amuse myself, while reading somebody else's crap usually only amounts to me being bored to the point where I consider punching myself in the throat for a thrill. You see, a lot of material that would satisfy an ordinary, upstanding individual just doesn't do it for me. I need something at least slightly twisted and dysfunctional. Something to match the state of the world so I don't feel like I'm being scammed into believing love and caring exist anymore. And yet there's this part of me that remains optimistic and is pressuring me into thinking they do, but so far I'm not really buying it.

Special Reality Bulletin!: Being optimistic often just means that you'll be more hopeful for the moment, but twice as disappointed down the road when you crash and burn in the wake of your own miserable shortcomings. However, there's always the chance that, albeit improbable, things could go your way. It's roulette with Murphy's Law in which most chambers contain bullets.

Creating can be entertaining for both the maker and to his/her audience or, on the other hand, ultimately prone to failure, regret, and mental drought. There's nothing quite like sitting in front of a computer screen for hours on end trying to coax out the idea that you believe is lost somewhere in your brain, all while your eyes are alternating between the screen that is stinging your eyes and the clock on the wall that is laughing at how unproductive you've been.

Luckily, I believe I have created a solution to that problem. I've finished building the prototype of a machine that allows you to transfer all the information that is contained inside your brain onto a 200 GB hard drive (500 GB hard drives available if you're a genius). This transfer of information is facilitated by tiny needles that are placed into certain areas of the brain. My device is currently in the early testing phases as I am experiencing difficulty finding volunteers to try it out.

If you would like to volunteer for several ground-breaking experiments, risk-free*, you're encouraged to call 1-888-MADTEST to receive more information regarding the application process. It's the best decision you'll ever make.**

*Successful applicants are required to fill out several liability forms in the event of injury or untimely death.

**Due to unforeseen circumstances, some of those who volunteered for experimentation sessions in the past required brain rehabilitation after said experimentation as a result of some symptoms which arose. These symptoms include, but are not limited to: loss of sight, loss of hearing, loss of speech, loss of consciousness, organ failure, nerve failure, complete mental inactivity, cravings for Lucky Charms, and death.

Leijoul Greishneff

2005-12-28T05:59:00.002-05:00

Leijoul Greishneff is an old, old friend of mine. We fought together during several WW2 battles and have since developed a very strong relationship with each other. I've learned quite a bit from him. I can remember the very first thing he taught me. It concerned nosebleeds. When you stand up for too long, you start to lose the critical blood supply that's stored in your brain. To keep you from going unconscious, your heart frantically draws blood up from the rest of your body and pumps it into your brain to maintain the required oxygen levels. Sometimes, in the process, the blood escapes and comes out your nose. Simple.

Naturally, the cure for this is to do a hand-stand and remain in that position for several hours. Some doctors will advise against this method of nasal relief, but they don't know anything. During our spare time in the war, which wasn't often, Leijoul liked to operate on the dead corpses that were often strewn across the earth. In the process, he became very educated about human anatomy. He once even assembled a complete human body in roughly 30 minutes, while under enemy fire. You can't receive that kind of realistic training in medical school, I can tell you that much.

Unfortunately, Leijoul now spends most of his time in a schizophrenic state, so I am rarely able to visit and converse with him. Even when he has a good day, he still rambles on about the USSR and how he is waiting for the perfect time to seize power. Sometimes I lie and tell him he is already in power, and he smiles.

Dissident

2005-12-15T05:20:00.001-05:00

Hello Dan,

As you are currently being bombarded with a flood of ideas for your latest project, I, your other self, will be taking the liberty of writing an update for you.

However, I'm afraid that I must relay some unfortunate news to you. Last week, Organism Representatives from each division of your body were gathered (as they are every 6 months) for an open discussion regarding issues that concern bodily function.

Some objections and concerns were brought forth, which essentially lead to a vote on the future of our collective existence.

All organisms were required to cast their ballots at their regional polling station, which resulted in an overwhelming majority being in favour of the permanent shutdown of this body. We apologize if this decision causes you discomfort. The organisms are strong believers in democracy, and their voices have been heard.

It has been decided that your death will commence tomorrow at around 6p.m, and that you shall perish as a result of a severe stroke. Thank you for your time.

Regards,

-Organism 10931840184
President of the Organism Representative Union

Sessions With Dan

2005-08-17T01:48:00.003-04:00

A few days ago, and after several years of giving helpful, free advice to friends and family, I experienced an epiphany which compelled me to proclaim myself a Councillor and strive to help others with their problems. I have since started my own company and am now obligated to assist anyone who is less than perfect. Ah, so many troubled people, so little time. I have chosen to display the fantabulous results on my blog to encourage others to seek my professional help.

Meet my first patient, AnonymousAmandaStewartFromNiagaraFallsOntario. This anonymous session was recorded in my office and is accurate to the best of my knowledge, whereas A is the client and D is myself.

*Begin Session*

D: Welcome, please have a seat on the floor. The furniture in here is only comfortable if you're me.
A: Uh...okay.

D: Now then, let's get started. What's been troubling you?
A: Um...Well...I am having trouble with a lot in my life. I'm not sure where to start.
D: Preferably from the beginning...

A: Well, me and my boyfriend are just recovering from a rough patch in our relationship. We broke up before and now we are back together. He says he's changed. Do people ever really change?
D: First off, you say "my boyfriend and I", not "me and my boyfriend". Didn't you go to school? Anyways, I can tell you this: People are always changing, if not out of regret and the will to improve then out of the boredom they have with their current selves. And I can prove it. Last year you slept with any guy who was willing, didn't you? Now you're being more careful because you're in a relationship and people have been calling you a slut, and rightfully so. But, overall, he probably hasn't changed a whole lot. He just got tired of screwing your best friend. I bet he said it meant nothing, didn't he?

A: Wow, you're right.
D: Bitch please. I don't mess around. Now what else would you like to discuss?
A: Well, actually, uh, me and- I mean, my boyfriend and I, have been thinking about having a child together, because we love each other.
D: Sigh. Let me tell you a little story, Anonymous163. Meet Mr. Candlestick. Mr. Candlestick hated fire. In fact, he loathed it so much that he lived underwater. He was quite happy there. It was bliss. Then he fell in love with Miss Candlestick. After much persuasion, she eventually lured him out of the water. Do you know what happened then? Huh? Do you?
A: Uh...
D: THEY HAD SEX AND THEN MR. CANDLESTICK CAUGHT FIRE AND DIED!!!!!!!!!!

A: And what was the point of that?
D: The point is that women are the cause of all problems.
A: You're scaring me.
D: I'm sorry. I will try to maintain my composure. What else is troubling you?
A: I think I'm done...
D: Do you feel any better?
A: Not really, to be honest...
D: Oh that's just the angry-youth-in-denial talking. You'll realize how right I am eventually.
A: Okay, bye.
D: I recommend you think lots of happy thoughts and masturbate at least twice daily. At least!
A: Okay, freak!

*End Session*

As you can see, I offer only the best advice to my clients, with a 14% approval rating to back my claim! My going rate is $85/hour, but I can make accommodations for the wealthy. If you would like to book an appointment, please kindly leave a message in the comments section and one of my hot secretaries will reply to you promptly. Or me if you're lucky! I bid you good day. And remember, if my award-winning advice can't help you. nothing will. You'd may as well quit while your behind and jump off a cliff!

E-mail Sucks But The Elderly Don't

2005-08-08T04:21:00.002-04:00

And there's nothing you fuckers can do about it. Now then...

Aren't you sick and tired of receiving e-mails that merely support simplistic text, pictures, and attachments that almost always contain viruses? Are you fed up with the limits of this form of technology? Do you want more out of e-mail? Me too! And no, this is not an advertisement.

I want to have the ability to purchase a Mail-Order Bride and have her instantaneously pop out of my modem without the bullshit 6-8 week wait for shipping. In a world where technology allows us to clone animals, send people into space, bio-engineer our food, and so forth, is it so much to ask that I demand everything to be brought to me? Yeah probably. Do I care? No. Am I joking? Yes, but it sure would be cool and you know it.

Speaking of cool, you teenagers and adults out there who think the elderly aren't hip or with the times are full of shit. I've met a lot of older people throughout the years and they are the coolest people I know. For real. Just because someone is a little on in the years doesn't mean their values and opinions are fanatically fucking crazy, and it also doesn't mean they have no sense of humour or idea as to what is going on in the world.

And if you disagree...

Because you are wrong and I am right...

And because this is my blog and not yours...

It's 4:29a.m

2005-07-21T04:28:00.001-04:00

And I just got home from Wal-mart.

Wal-mart is a fun place where people of all colours, shapes and sizes come to buy stuff. Wal-mart is people-friendly. Wal-mart is a happy place where there's often a McDonalds inside. Wal-mart likes profits. Wal-mart does not support unions. Wal-mart wants everything to be good for the customer and the associate. Wal-mart loves you. Wal-mart knows what you want out of a store. Wal-mart sells you what it wants you to buy. Wal-mart is the disease you've always dreamed of being infected with. Wal-mart is warm and fuzzy, like roadkill. Wal-mart glows with opportunity. Wal-mart smiles upon us all. Everyone should strive to be like Wal-mart.

I Just Hate Everything

2005-07-05T22:55:00.004-04:00

Advertisements. I hate how almost every commercial has stupid actors in it with grins so big you'd think that the Old Navy t-shirt they're sporting cured their cancer and shoved a bowl of yummy ice cream down their throats for good measure. No, insignificant products like that don't change your life, and deep inside everyone knows they're going to be just as miserable after the purchase as they were before it. And another thing, I hate when music is whored out to big corporations to air in their commercials. Like Justin Timberlake and his "I'm Lovin' It" song which is now used in most McDonalds advertisements. Yeah, I'm lovin' not buying your C.D's and looking at your stupid face you fucker.

Inconsiderate people get to me as well. When you go out of your way to open a door for someone, or let them have your place in line, or give them some change to help them have enough for a purchase, you should at least receive a "thank you". People these days are so disrespectful and they're always in such a goddamn rush. Everyone should take the time to properly acknowledge someone who is willing to help them out, and not act as if they have something shoved up their ass.

And here's some more things:

People who never stop talking: Hey, heads up. Nobody cares. After about the 10th "uh huh" you can pretty much bet that the person you're talking to is desperately seeking ways to end the conversation. Heh, if only people were as interested in you as you are.

People who have 50 peircings and/or 50 tattooes and/or heavy black makeup all over their face: Congratulations, you're an attention whore.

People in infomercials: Congratulations, you're a shitty actor.

And last and most importantly!:

People who voted for George Bush: Congratulations, you're an idiot.

The Hallucination Machine

2005-06-10T00:47:00.003-04:00

I apologize for the recent lack of updates as I was caught up in one of my extravagant hobbies this past week. During my latest exploit into the mountainous regions of Peru, I happened to stumble upon a mysterious mountain goat named Varsol. He claimed that he was a certified psychiatrist and we both agreed that I was under a lot of stress and needed to be relieved of it. He told me to concentrate and take deep breaths. I always assumed this procedure was designed to calm a person down, but I soon found that my mind was racing and I was seeing all sorts of psychedelic colours and shapes. Soon afterwards, the goat began speaking Latin. That's when I decided to run away into the clouds of purple and gold which were presently receiving a second coat of paint from the Universe's main painter, Dr. Zip.

So after a bit of stumbling around the heavens, and a brief stint in hell in which I received an autographed pitchfork from Beelzebub and suffered 3rd degree burns throughout my entire body, I found myself at the base of a mountain. I soon realized that this was the same mountain which I had previously climbed and met the mountain goat who tricked me into entering his sick world of hallucination and pain. I then placed a jihad on the goat, despite not following Islam.

I flew up and around the mountain until I spotted the goat. It was then that I slayed him with my pitchfork and gained 48 000 000 XP.

Then the film ran out and I was forced back into the real world. The critics say it was a pretty shitty story to begin with because it has no real plot, but I say that they just don't know the potential of antagonist mountain goats in literary works.

WARNING: This post contained references to bad things, like huffing Varsol. Do not ever huff varsol or consume it in any manner. Seriously, if you do it, you're fucking stupid and you may die.

5 Minute Wait On Chicken At KFC

2005-05-19T00:52:00.002-04:00

Independent thinking is stupid. It will only make you doubt yourself and second-guess those around you.

As we all know, we must fully confide in our government at all times, no matter what the circumstance. Failing to do so will cause our nation to weaken with dissent and pave the way for terrorists to nuke our cities and poison our food supply. After all, you elected a leader to think for you, mainly so that you could watch television and lay about your house on weekends without the burden of responsibility.

You may believe that you're a smart, enlightened individual, but your ability to form educated opinions is about as good as that of a goldfish when you are constantly bombarded with pre-packaged dosages of television, the Internet, other forms of mass media, and the fact that you don't really care about anything that doesn't directly affect your ability to live a First World lifestyle.

You don't have enough time on your hands to hear about what goes on in the world, so it's fed to you in little digestible spoonfuls. And then somewhere in there you get dosages of fear, denial, bias and lies. And then you start to form opinions. You protect them as if they are your life, because questioning yourself would be a sign of weakness and your idiot friends may criticize you for it. Some people don't buy in all the dosages of nonsense, but they are usually gawked at and swept under the carpet like the millions of starving children that aren't given the chance to live in an industrialized nation.

So next time when you're pissed off that there's a 5 minute wait on chicken at KFC, or when your angry that you're stuck in the middle of a traffic jam, or even when you're telling a friend how you hate discussing politics, remember that some people don't have access to food, some people have to walk everywhere they go, and some people can think all they want and that's the end of it because they don't have a voice.

Things To Remember

2005-05-13T01:37:00.002-04:00

1) The world has always had, and will continue to have, a large abundance of stupid people. The problem is that only a small percentage of these people are willing to admit to themselves that they fall into this category. I am no exception to this rule.

2) We must never value the collective well-being of others over the health of our economy. Especially those people in foreign lands. To do so is unpatriotic.

3) Methylphenidate Hydrochloride (Ritalin) is the preferred drug of any young child.

4) Never underestimate the importance of efficiency. Jumping off a high-rise building will kill you within seconds while dousing yourself with gasoline and lighting yourself on fire is survivable if firemen happen to drive by and put out the flames. And we all know what happens in the case of the latter - you spend endless years of helplessness in a hospital bed with the realization that you screwed yourself over more than you could have possibly imagined.

5) The plan always works better when it's played out in your head.

6) You're not always as interesting as you think.

7) People would be much happier if you'd shut your mouth for once, speaking as if every word kills a cute puppy dog.

8) I like making lists.

Long To-Do Lists

2005-05-03T04:20:00.003-04:00

Sometimes it is possible to be the person you were, the person you are, and the person you will be, all at once. Times when your thoughts and ideas surpass the restrictions of your biased and made-up mind, if only to give you that brief moment of perfect balance between reflection and intuition. Times when you feel like a ghost in a world full of other ghosts that are following pointless routines as unsuspecting players in a massive scheme to kill time, in a world that is a back-drop for some cheap and disappointing play.

A world that is a weathered photograph which changes appearance from time to time, but always looks the same overall. A world that has buttons and switches that aren't moved. A world of people drowning with washed out emotions. A world full of life and possibility. A world full of impatience and tight fists, where people create bigger and better means to destroy. A world in which dreaming is preferred over reality, where everyone wants to conveniently hide away their problems in exchange for some temporary happiness. A world full of illusionists and escape artists and long to-do lists.

I Don't Care Much For Titles

2005-04-26T05:38:00.002-04:00

Coke, as in the carbonated beverage containing caffeine and loads of sugar and NOT as in cocaine, does NOT mix well with chocolate.

Trust me on this, people. The taste is sickening, like my blog!

For those of you eagerly awaiting an answer pertaining to the compatibility of cola beverages and cocaine, the results will be up in the coming weeks when I commit blog suicide.

Huh? What's "blog suicide", you ask?

It's when I come up with an elaborate story about how I overdosed on cocaine and pretzels and died from a fucking brain aneurysm in order to provide my 5 readers with a legitimate reason for ending my blog. It will most likely be told by a made-up friend of mine who is grieving and wants to let my faithful readers know of my unfortunate demise. I'm still working on the details though, so lay off.

I could just provide a legitimate excuse like any other blogger would, but that just wouldn't be exciting enough. I have to keep you intrigued and on the edge of your seats right up until the last word. You don't wanna hear that I quit blogging because I'm too busy or because I actually got a job. You want something outrageous,,,something interesting. You know, something that you can tell your friends and coworkers about.

"Yo dude this guy like totally overdosed on pretzels and cocaine or something and like his friend said it all on his blog and like I believe it because it was on the Internet!"

Well I don't really know where I'm going with this so...

You're Right, It Doesn't Make Sense

2005-04-01T01:32:00.001-05:00

My imagination is like a runaway train. It can't be stopped with anything short of derailment and/or an intense bombing campaign where many innocent bystanders are sure to become victimized (see War in Iraq for details). Being a train operator doesn't pay too well. Plus, I'm running out of bodies to burn. Fossil fuels are too expensive and useless for the type of business I run. Bring me some politicians.

I have machine guns mounted on my train. They are mostly for show but sometimes I just have to use them, like when people attempt to spray their graffiti tags or when illegal immigrants try to hitch a ride with my cargo. Bodies = Fuel = Extra Money Leftover For Bullets = More Bodies. It's a vicious cycle.

In life you have three choices. Either you can be 1) a productive and caring member of society, 2) a parasite feeding on the generosity and accomplishment of these types of people, or 3) some sort of life hacker who accomplishes both of the previous choices. In any case, you are doomed to die, often in a prolonged and painful manner. I would prefer to be somewhere in the middle, hence a "life hacker". Being productive and generous requires too much work and dedication. The other option makes people want to kill you. Being "neutral" allows you to play both sides. It allows you to scam everyone in the game that is life.

Note: If you apply for any of life's three choices, I ask that you would be so kind as to sign your body off to me in preparation for when you die. Please and thank you. I offer you free cremation. Funerals are much too expensive these days.

100% You And 100% Me, You Can Join My Club Baby

2005-03-30T23:56:00.002-05:00

bigger and better technology at least 20% more intelligent 10% off with your shoppers card yes sir, we like to call it by name yes sir, the "swipe and save" program it's selling the American Dream for next to nothing it's forging a smile because smiles sell lies

happy and efficient industries at least 20% more outsourced 10 cents off your next purchase compliments of the sycophants compliments of imperialism gone wrong it's exploiting the American Dream for next to nothing it's putting on a smile because smiles are free

braincells can't communicate with cocaine fiends and caffeine dreams you are tired of the status quo you want to buy into something new and the ghosts are drawn to you

Major technological withdrawal + Reality's fucked up - just a personal experience - But everything has a way of working out x If only to make up for something that didn't = To keep you in the routine = Roll over, sit and lay down

No shit-eating grin + No giving in - just for awhile - But a time to say the proper words x If only to make up for the times that you didn't = To keep you accepted and normal = Love, hate and compromise

Watch Out For That Fucking Bus

2005-03-20T17:45:00.002-05:00

Lately, the idea of re-educating some individuals is increasingly gaining my approval. Some people are born with common sense and naturally have the instinct to know how to conduct themselves in certain situations. Others aren't so fortunate and have to be told, sometimes more than once.

As I am such a forgiving and open-minded person, I tend to overlook the utter ignorance and absent-mindedness of people. I can't wait until I'm an old man and I can get away with being senile and intolerant.

So anyways, here's the story. I was walking down the sidewalk a few blocks from my house, and there happened to be this group of middle-aged women speed walking my way. Now I don't even want to get started on speed walking. I think it looks so ridiculous and people should jog or run instead.

I regret to inform you that I'm also very kind to strangers. I moved clear off the sidewalk so that they could pass me, but instead they decided that they wanted to cross the street and proceeded to walk in front of me, while one of them gave me an odd look and tried to wave me back onto the sidewalk as if I was crazy for moving aside. Alright, fair enough.

So I proceeded to go on my merry way as I saw a bus coming down the road in the direction of the women. I happened to look back to see them walking right onto the road, looking in the opposite direction of the bus and completely unaware of their impending doom. The next few moments went as follows:

Dan: Watch out for that fucking bus!
Women: *non-English gibberish and looks of confusion*

It's a good thing the bus driver was paying attention, as he swerved into the middle of the road sparing the lives of the 4 women. The bus stopped right after to drop some people off, and the women had the nerve to gather around the bus and scream at the driver in their crazy language. As the bus drove away, they began hitting the side of the bus with their fat hands.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the bus driver doesn't understand a word being said, nor does the bus feel pain.

I thought about explaining to them why they were at fault, but decided, along with all efforts to teach them common sense, that it would be futile and very time-consuming. I am also hoping next time that they do get hit by a bus, but that I won't be anywhere near them. That way, I can live with a guilt-free conscience knowing that there was nothing I could have done to save them.

XXX

2005-03-15T17:11:00.002-05:00

a StrANGer in the night
vox vox vox everywhere
PREACHERS with suits and ties
lookin like you and me
lookin so good rolled in shit
the next person is in line

it's easier to kill [ :) :) :) ] to a drummer's beat
the mind is always 10 times behind
sheep in suits and ties
they look like YOU and ME

drift between the alleys >>> of the street
.pArAnOId. {kiss the gun}
kissing ass for your next paycheck
turning your head into a smokestack
turning your head inside-out for $8.00 an hour
I'm doing fine without it because I've got the fix
I've got the secret solution

Come On Tracy Think Of A Title For This Post For Me

2005-03-11T23:22:00.003-05:00

Today I was like totally rebelling against the system. I wore different coloured socks and I didn't take anyone's' shit. I was layin' down the smack talk and I was all like "yo dawg I be representin' my mad street skillz up in hurr!...South Coast fur realz!" to this guy on the street and he was all like "thats whack yo" and then I hadda pop a cap in his azzzzz.

I had to piss real bad on the walk home from work so I just whipped it out on some guy's front lawn and weeeeeeeeeee, I went.

Tracy sat on me a few days ago and my balls were in the wrong position and they were hurting for 3 hours after that. We started a super private diary containing all my deepest, most personal secrets. You will never see it.

I spent a few hours today learning Keine Lust by Rammstein on guitar. I love that song, even if the lyrics are in German. I was talking on the phone with someone and the song came up on my CD and I told them to shut the fuck up.

Because inquiring minds want to know.

I Am The New AIDS

2005-03-01T21:46:00.001-05:00

Just recently, I had the opportunity to travel to Africa in support of my latest book, "10 Ways To Get Out Of Third World Debt". It was an interesting experience to say the least. I traveled country to country, city to city, town to town, and slum to slum, preaching my ideals to those who barely understood a word I was saying. I was shot on many occasions by extremists that didn't seem to be fond of my presence. However, after recovering in my mobile hospital several times, I continued to venture out and convey my message to the masses. Thankfully, most of the people came to embrace my message of false hope, even though they couldn't possibly read my book because it's only available in English. So, instead, I sold them one of my other products. It was "Plan B" you could say. I brought out the Minute Rice and the pancake mix. Upon seeing this, the peasants swarmed me and I was trampled to death.

Now that I'm back in the United States, safe from the poor and in the safety of my clean, suburban neighbourhood, I'm cheering on that good ol', God-fearin' Mr. Bush for spending money on that fancy missile defense system that will protect us so well and for giving me those unneeded tax cuts. Now I have extra money to spend on a ton of shit that my kids don't need while the other half of the country struggles to afford their medical bills, food and rent. Serves them right for voting Kerry.

I'm mostly an ignorant prick but it's fine because I live in a country that embraces ignorance. I fight for liberty and freedom, but individual rights can only go so far, ya know. In my spare time I force my religion on others and eat fast food.

Hello, My Name Is Asshole

2005-02-24T00:11:00.002-05:00

Back in the day when I was an Astronaut Telemarketer, I was busy full time trying to contact potential customers from other galaxies. In all the 55 years I worked in the business, I never contacted anyone. I made 10k a year, so most of my life was a waste and I am now financially screwed as I head into retirement. I always had that hope that I would reach God and he would kindly ask his billions of angels to order my product, which is why I never quit the job. After all, my product was very practical for angels and my boss often re-assured me that God's secretaries listen over radio frequencies for good business pitches.

Now that I have failed to contact God using a variety of communication devices, I have decided to venture out into the galaxy to find Heaven. First, I'll have to build a time machine or a spaceship that travels real quick-like. This will require lots of money and energy. I am hoping enough bloggers will donate as to make my goal attainable. Next, I'll have to come up with some good lines to scheme God into purchasing my product.

My product is a toilet that plays music. It comes in a variety of shapes, sizes and colours. How many times have you been on the shitter and desperately wanted to listen to your favourites CD's and radio stations? Exactly.

In case angels don't require toilets, I have a Plan B in which I will try to sell them knitted sweaters. It can get cold all the way out there in Heaven, so far from the hell and all.

Just Shove Me Right Back Under The Carpet

2005-02-16T23:33:00.002-05:00

Dan has been successfully upgraded to: Super Antibacterial Action! He kills viruses, bacteria, mold and mildew! No streaks. Just shine!

Only $5.69 at your local convenience store.

.i'm feeling ultraviolent. i got you in my hot little hands. like a kid in a candy store. full of whores.

Something spectacular happened to me today. It was so spectacular that I'm sure it will change my life forever. I'm not going to tell you about it though. That's too bad, because you would have been blown away.

Quack Quack Quack.

My mind is a red-light district, full of happy thoughts and satisfaction. Pick up your cell phone and take my money money money, honey.

Well I'd Love To Stay And Chat But...

2005-01-28T01:48:00.001-05:00

I have no soul. My world has already ended. The co-ordinates are set, Captain. There's too many commanders in this world, too little of them people like us. And when we died, we were forgotten quite easily when they turned off the news. But it is a new day now, isn't it?

There's not a whole lot going on up there. *Points in general direction of head* I know, I know, give me a break. I grew up living on top of one of those giant power transmitters with the big electrical cables. My parents kicked me out at a young age as I kept trying to murder them. The electricity kinda fried my brain. But it's alright as my head is very light now and I can jump higher than the average human. And, I know things that other people don't. I discovered a way to listen in on everyone's' calls. I even caused a blackout in California once or twice.

Insert Witty, Content-reflective Title Here

2005-01-27T01:48:00.002-05:00

For those of you still under the impression that a week consists of 7 days, I'm afraid I must inform you that the world has adopted my very well-designed 8-day week. The extra day lies between Wednesday and Thursday and has been created for the sole purpose of Kyle and I having an extra day to do things that we otherwise wouldn't get around to. It is called "Middleday".

For many of you, this will mean more work. That could be good or bad. For everyone, it will mean a seemingly sooner death as there are now roughly 52 added days per year. However, I'm not sorry as long as Kyle and I get what we want.

People are so easily led. I should setup a PayPal account and scam people into sending me money. If I got away with it, I would think it was fucking hilarious. If not, I would pretend to be remorseful but still giggle to myself in secret. Stupid, stupid people! Tee-hee.

Free speech is a bad thing in my case. I have so many subliminal messages hidden in these posts which will eventually lead you to a point of no return. All I can say is it's a good thing I'm not saying this to you in person, because then you could record it and play it backwards:

Devil-Devil-Hate-Hate-Kill-Your-Children-Rape-Rape-Happy-New-Year-Masturbate-Ass-Ass-Have-Some-Hash-Buy-Dan-A-Giraffe

10000% Fun

2005-01-25T01:13:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I get really tired at work. Sometimes I get so tired that I consider hiding behind the couches in the staff room, or somewhere in the back of the warehouse, just so I can sleep. My sleeping habits are very poor. I am tempted to accuse myself of Insomnia and intoxicate myself with sleeping pills until I learn my lesson. It's the caffeine that's doing it to me but I will never give it up.

Kyle has something very important that he wants you to see.

The Death Test

2005-01-23T16:24:00.000-05:00

If all goes as planned, I will die in December of 2060, at age 75, probably of cancer. And we all know that internet tests don't lie. I was kinda hoping for a heart attack, though.

Fun Statistics From The Test:

WHY YOU DIE?

56% cancer
24% car accident
13% overdose
5% drowning of the lungs
2% wounds

Pathetic. Not even a 1% chance of a heart attack!

And...

You have 20449.7 days left on this earth.
You've already lived 25% of your life.

Go ahead. Take the test yourself!

Claustrophobia And Laura And Other Stuff

2005-01-22T21:11:00.002-05:00

Lesson Of The Day: It is extremely unsafe to leave unexploded ordinance (i.e bullets) near heat sources. Under certain circumstances, doing so can result in an explosion possibly causing injury or death. Or, at least, a sizable hole in your wall.

Kyle and I did not go tobogganing today. It just so happened that God hated us and decided he would send a huge snowstorm our way.

I am more or less trapped inside my house right now as the snow is quite high. I am currently making preparations for when I go crazy. I'm almost positive that I will. I remember watching Ren and Stimpy when they were trapped in a cabin. I know what ends up happening. Soon I will resort to cannibalism. So, if you're a stalker and are currently hiding in my closet, you'd better kill me before I kill you. And you'd better taste half decent cooked. I know I do.

Also, I'd like to publicly apologize for causing Y2K and the resulting technology-related deaths of over 4 billion humans. Please accept my condolences.

More Red Hot News

2005-01-20T19:18:00.001-05:00

Kyle and I may go tobogganing this weekend because it's fun and we're cool enough to do such childish things. I remember the last time I went. I flew over a poorly placed ramp and smashed into a tree at about 60mph. My GT Snowracer blew to pieces and I landed face-first in the snow. It was a sad day.

If you happen to know the world's most perfect girl, please tell her to e-mail me.

It appears that I haven't got any pictures up like I said I would. I am lazy. Feel free to kick me in the ass and make me work harder. I am yours to exploit.

BREAKING NEWS

2005-01-20T13:40:00.000-05:00

Kyle has just updated his blog!

I have four boxes of cereal yet no milk.

I had a very vivid dream last night. People were rioting in the streets and I was in my apartment watching porn.

I'm going back to bed now because I'm in my boxers and it's cold in my house.

Sigmund Says

2005-01-19T21:04:00.001-05:00

I am watching you masturbate.

Fans = Money = Happy Dan

2005-01-16T01:11:00.002-05:00

Since starting this blog I've received fan mail and hate mail. Therefore, I've decided to make myself available to you - to hear, to see, to love...even to kick in the face. Careful not to splooge all over your computer screen with these great deals!

Basic Package: For those of you on a tight budget, you can still access Dan for the cheap, economy price of $300. You will receive a framed portrait of Dan in the mail, along with a dartboard with his image on it (great gift for those in your family who hate his guts), a Dan bobble-head doll and a backwards clock.*

*Please allow 60 to 70 weeks for delivery. No refunds.

Upgraded Package: For the modest price of $600, you can call Dan at a special number and he will talk to you for 30 minutes. You only pay $100 after that for each additional half hour. You can discuss anything you'd like to. Phone sex is also included, if you get off on that type of thing.**

**Your phone bill expenses are not covered with this plan. Also, we cannot guarantee that you will get to speak to Dan directly. If this is not possible, you will be re-directed to someone very much like him.

Deluxe Package: This plan includes both the Basic Package and the Upgraded Package, plus a personal visit from Dan himself- a must for any hardcore fan! After payment, simply provide us with your address and we will bring him straight to your door. He will spend the entire day with you (around heavy security, of course). Only then will you be able to witness, in person, Dan. It'll be like you're actually a friend of his and not an obsessed stalker! Talk to him, make him coffee, tie him up and abuse him!*** The possibilities are endless. And all of this for only $5000. Wow. Pick up your jaw off the floor, this deal is for real!

***Security reserves the right to horribly disfigure or kill any violent fans or haters. Dan reserves the right to leave at any time, without notice, and hate you for the rest of your pathetic life.

There you have it, people. The calls are rolling in and, by the ways things are looking, I'll soon be booked for the next 30 years. So hurry up and call before it's too late and I'm already dead!

Update: Chompy's Re-election

2005-01-11T20:51:00.002-05:00

With 9% of the vote, major news organizations are reporting that Chompy has secured re-election and will remain our leader for a third consecutive term.

Unlike other nations that only claim to be democratic, our government, under Chompy, has reformed the election process to make it more fair and reflective of the views of the people that matter. Kent 42, Chompy's campaign manager, explains:

"Vote weight based on financial status has never been more democratic, nor right. It is only fair for those who are wealthier to have more say in our government. It is only fair that we give a greater voice to those who run our economy. That's why, thanks to Chompy and his administration, your yearly income reflects your vote worth. For example, if you make $2,000,000 a year, you will be able to cast 2 million votes. Likewise, if your yearly income is less than $100,000, you receive one vote at election time. This way, everyone gets a fair say. It's really a wonderful system we now have in this country. Those who disagree, I find, are very unpatriotic and only seek to challenge the will of our free people."

Many opponents of Chompy disappeared weeks prior to the election in what many are calling a "cowardly act of cowardice". And, by law, their names and political parties were removed from the ballot.

With Chompy's win verified, he will continue to implement his promises and goals for our country. Tops on his agenda is the desire to completely utilize the Chompy Enforcement Patrol, a national agency which will act as the executive branch of our judicial system. This organization will deal with terrorism-related incidents and shameful public dissent. You see, some people are in disagreement of the "system" and friendly, God-fearing Chompy must eat them for their own good and, thus, the good of our country.

Chompy and his administration also plan to raise taxes on the lower class to pay off our immense debt which has accumulated as a result of gays and lesbians and other malcontents, which has caused over 75% of our population to become unemployed and poverty-stricken. Budget increases for National Defence, foreign wars and corporate investments are expected.

Chompy ended his acceptance speech today by saying that our country is "moving into a new era of freedom, justice and democracy", captivating his enormous fan base with his persuasive, charismatic style. The best is certainly yet to come.

Chompy Wins Re-election!

2005-01-11T19:40:00.000-05:00

Chompy waves to a crowd of peasants after his acceptance speech.

I Will Deliver

2005-01-11T15:26:00.001-05:00

In true selling-out fashion, I have contacted my long lost gremlin friend Momo to hold me to my obligations as a blog whore. As expected, he promptly tied me to my computer chair and proceeded to lecture me on how he will only accept my best of my writing ability. I hope I do not disappoint him.

I am currently on rashions of stale bread and bath water. Momo says that, if I impress him, my rashions will be upgraded to include fresh bread and water, and perhaps pudding. If I make him angry, the food quality will be reduced and I will receive a complimentary slap on the face, as well as periodic beatings. I am scheduled to receive 3 hours of sleep tonight.

More later...

Selling Out For Dummies

2005-01-10T21:38:00.001-05:00

My posts sure have went downhill lately. They use to be at least somewhat interesting and funny. Well, guys, it looks like it's about that time - time to completely fucking sell out.

Soon I will appear in commercials sponsored by big name corporations. I will smile and act like the product has benefited my life greatly. What product, you ask? Why, any product placed in my money-grubbing hands, of course!

I will be known as the Nike guy, the Sony guy, and the Coke guy, all at once. I will have my 15 minutes of fame and then you will forget me. I will fail miserably in the end. But don't take my word for it, watch television. It will make you less intelligent but at least you will be entertained.

Actually, come to think of it, I might not take the commercial route. I could try to be a famous musician or writer or something like that. I know that would only end in disaster for someone like myself, but think of all the great memories I would have! So, make sure you buy my records. The lyrics won't even be intelligent, but I know you can't resist a good beat. You are so weak.

I'm going to have lots of hot chicks who will do me without me even having to get to know them. It will be great. I will use protection. I will also have a celebrity marriage a few years later to give people the idea that I've grown up. It will last up until people start getting bored of hearing about it. My face and hers will be on every magazine for about 6 months. I will then be bad-mouthed by news organizations, shitty news columnists and the general know-nothing public, only maintaining a celebrity status based on my bad reputation.

I will talk about politics and music like I know fuck all about them. You will love me, too. I will be king shit. I will sign autographs and I will dance for money and I will give you a hug and I will give you the finger. I will start a new trend. I'm thinking about wearing a hat which resembles the one Dr. Seuss has. If its been done, I will do it over and blow it even way more out of proportion. I will become rich off of your ignorance and your apathy.

Right now I am not famous, but this is a sign of things to come. So when I start hitting the shelves, make sure you gobble me up and claim that you liked me before anyone else did. And when I'm uncool, claim you always hated me. It will serve you well.

Random!

2005-01-09T01:10:00.001-05:00

Arial is quite a nice font. It makes everything look neat and tidy. Always remember to make sure you are neat and tidy or else people may start to gossip about you. That greasy hair will just have to go.

Today I was contacted by time travelers. They have invented a new colour. It kinda looks like red but with 82% less Satan. It's sometimes hard to be original these days. It seems everything has been accomplished or is being accomplished, or is being ripped off and passed off as new. I am no exception. The chances of me being original are comparable to the chances of you getting action in the next -insert life expectancy here- years. But it's OK. In the future, I am told, you can marry yourself.

Gravity is bad for you and it will make all your blood go to your feet. With no blood left elsewhere, you will not be able to achieve an erection. Your girlfriend will be quite upset.

Right now I am afraid to leave my house. I am being stalked by the Jolly Green Giant. I should have eaten my vegetables as a child. It's too late for me. Make sure the same doesn't happen to you. Eat lots of veggies and make sure he sees you doing it. He's already killed Santa.

I can swear all I want right now but I have decided against it. Send me money, send me money, send send send. Gimme!

I am yawning so maybe my body is trying to tell me that it wants me to rest up. Afterwards, I will be full of energy and I will finally be able to do such productive things as throwing glass cups at people on the street and prank-calling the operator.

Bye for now, unless I die tomorrow and I am only able to speak to you in your head. That would not be good. I'm an extremely bad influence.

I Am Immune To Lunch And Sometimes Breakfast

2005-01-05T16:57:00.001-05:00

I rarely take the time out of my day to eat breakfast, and lunch is completely out of the question. Instead I eat and drink something every 20 minutes. I eat so often because I am practicing to be a professional food tester and I drink so much to feed my intense caffeine and alcohol addictions.

Though my eating habits probably aren't as healthy as they should be, be advised that I participate in dinner sessions with alarming frequency.

Just A Little Something I Found Written On My Arm

2005-01-05T04:08:00.001-05:00

She says I shouldn't masturbate in her car because she doesn't want a mess. But I wasn't masturbating - I was adjusting. There's a difference. I informed her that having balls is comparable to having breasts in your pants, but that my "breasts" are significantly smaller and less manageable. Best example ever.

Kyle dropped by today and we walked around downtown for a bit. He bought a pipe for, uh, tobacco-related purposes. The guy who sold it to us had a couch behind the front desk. Fucking cool. Then we went to Pizza Pizza and ordered, well, pizza. I threw up in their bathroom once and it was really gross. After we finished eating, we went back to my place and...watched Dazed And Confused. Good movie.

It seems that whenever I'm downtown, everyone I see either appears to be drunk or mentally insane. However, I'm quite sure that they're thinking the same thing as they pass me. I tend to walk into things and I kind of resemble a heroine addict, what with the bags under my eyes and quick, sudden movements which, I assure you, are only because I am strategically dodging sniper bullets from disgruntled space elves and not because my blood sugar is through the roof.

I am currently involved in a heated battle with my subconscious. It systematically attempts to ruin my life. This is achieved by subconsciously influencing me to do things I otherwise would only consider, like shooting people in broad daylight, jumping repeatedly on thin ice, and playing with hair dryers in the bathtub. I've already consulted with my other personalities by leaving them notes on my desk, and I can assure you that it's not the workings of Damien, Jimmy, Wu or the other one who won't tell us his name.

Somebody bought a big case of bottled water. I've been drinking it all day. I won't even touch tap water. I'm more tempted to eat or drink stuff that is pre-packaged. It's just more appealing. The colours get me every time. However, I refuse to consume anything that is labelled diet or fat-free.

Caffeine-free is also a no-no.

Violence Is Your Friend

2004-12-31T23:18:00.002-05:00

Everyday, I am living proof that violence has irreversibly affected youth. Now that I am technically an adult, I sometimes feel ashamed for the way in which I conduct myself. It's hard being me, though, having to deal with all that desensitization and complete absence of morality. To give you a better idea of what I'm getting at, here's a typical day in my life:

3:00pm: Wake up, careful to avoid natural light sources. Wander aimlessly around the house for about half an hour until my vision has returned to a clear state. Clean up the blood stains and dead bodies from the previous night. Eat something semi-healthy. Shower and get ready for the day.

4:30pm: Head uptown and do some pretty dangerous missions for various gangs. Today, this involved detonating a transport truck packed with slinkies. Needless to say, many people were instantly strangled/decapitated by the high-velocity, airborne toys. I cannot say that I'm a sneaky criminal, as the police almost always catch wind of my activities. Luckily, I am armed with rocket launchers and flamethrowers which manage to fend them off quite nicely.

8:00pm: After all that tough work, I like to make a little time for myself. My leisure time is spent playing video games and/or watching T.V programs which depict violence, surfing the web reading about violence, talking to my girlfriend who almost always encourages violence, eating food products which endorse violence and playing my guitar which has a built-in device which constantly blares violent sayings at me.

12:00am: Heavily influenced by what has gone on in the past few hours, I go out and do some massive pimping. Afterall, I don't have time to work and I have to make money somehow. I am often cheap and shoot the people who have their way with my hookers, in order to get all their money. It's quite effective and mostly guilt-free.

2:30am: Selflessly donate hundreds of dollars to a few local charities. Pray for forgiveness. Help an old lady and/or wounded criminal across the street. Smile a few times.

3:30am: Hijack any type of appealing vehicle. Joyride. Run down a few civilians for good measure. Each person gets me 10 points.

5:00am: Invite a few people I met that night back to my place. Play a board game and/or have cheap, drunken sex. I don't know why, but this almost always ends in bloodshed.

6:15am: Purchase absurd quantities of fireworks.

6:30am: Set off fireworks in my neighbourhood whilst watching and giggling from a secretive position.

7:00am: Sneak back into my home, carefully avoiding disgruntled neighbours with their Tim Hortons coffee. Step around the bodies which always seem to accumulate throughout my apartment. Pass out somewhere.

And there you have it. As you can see, there is little hope for me. I will probably never repent or change my ways, mostly because I'm too stubborn and I enjoy my way of life. On the bright side, I will probably never encounter you in my city, so chances are that you won't be one of my many unfortunate victims.

On a completely unrelated note, 2005 will be here in less than an hour.

6 Ways To Thwart Attacks By Alien Invaders Should The Situation Arise

2004-12-24T13:10:00.001-05:00

But first, let me tell you about my friend Kyle. Kyle's motives are very questionable. But he's cool. If it were up to me, I'd let him be one of my other personalities. Unfortunately, I don't have control over things of that sort. He murders people all the time and gets away with it. I admire his good nature.

National Threat Level: Super Bad

We will now be taking the necessary precautions due to the current probability of an alien invasion:

1) Hide your house underground and avoid contact with those on the surface.

2) Kiss your children goodbye but assure them everything will be OK.

3) Wear a tin foil hat to avoid mind-reading methods commonly used by aliens.

4) Blend into your surroundings by placing yourself in flames, or by jumping into the furnace, to avoid heat detection methods commonly used by aliens.

In case of attack(s), abide by one or more of the following guidelines:

1) Assume the fetal position.

2) Pick your nose in a disgusting, repulsive manner.

3) Offer the aliens a book on Quantum physics and ask if it is correct - hours will be spent on every detail and this will buy you time.

4) Kindly explain to the aliens that you are in the middle of intense game of Twister and your slaughter will just have to wait.

5) Purchase a highly-detailed, authentic-looking alien suit and claim to be one of them (Works well with guideline #6).

6) Purchase a book on the alien language and study it until you can speak it fluently - this will require a 2nd tongue to properly pronounce all letters and accents (Works well with guideline #5).

If all else fails, it would appear that you're shit out of luck.

Re-Elect Chompy The Kind Neighbourhood Ideal Candidate Robot With Big Teeth

2004-12-24T01:08:00.001-05:00

I don't really know who you are. I don't really care. You mean nothing to me. But, hello anyways.

Note: If you're confused, then I have succeeded. If not, then I'll have to try harder next time.

Sometimes it gets dark at night. In fact, it always does. Sometimes I just write things for the sake of killing time, such as now. Actually, I thought it would make me look less lazy if I had two posts. I really am quite lazy, though. So lazy you might be surprised. But I doubt it.

I highly recommend that you vote for Chompy. He's very friendly and kind and he's a smart robot, quite. Sometimes he eats children at his rallies but it's OK because he will build you another one - a more efficient and intelligent version. You will thank him some day.

He'd eat you too but you're too big.

Blogs are cool. Oh, by the way, welcome to mine. I only said "hello" to you before. Sorry about that. Sometimes my priorities change and I forget other things which I assure you are very, very important to me in a very, very casual way. If you stare at the word "shampoo" long enough and say it in your head repeatedly, it will lose meaning and you will think the word is stupid. Just try it out for yourself:

SHAMPOO

Everyday is a new day. Everyday has its adventure. Sometimes it can be good or bad. Sometimes in the middle. Sometimes all over the place and they average out each other.

The letter "Z" is rarely used and is very neglected. Being #26 in the alphabet is a lonely job. Let's find a cure.

Some people say a human cannot breathe in space but I will show them.

More importantly, if I can breathe in space, perhaps you will become unable to breathe on earth. Wouldn't that be something? It's quite possible, you know. I hope they have ice cream in space.

Thank you for your time. I am done for now. Or something like that.

My Gift To You

2004-12-23T21:45:00.001-05:00

Christmas is just a few days away. I decided to get you a present even though I will die in the process. I will cut out my heart and place it in a plastic bag full of ice water. That should keep it at the right temperature until it arrives at your house. Until then, I will be dead. I hope you get it before the new year.

By the way, all that money you waste over the holidays could be better spent on other things, such as:

-Feeding, clothing, and providing shelter to the working poor, the homeless and/or people in other nations struggling for survival
-Donating to charities which help the disabled, the sick, the poor, etc.

Or any worthwhile cause that genuinely benefits humanity. You get the idea.

2005 is going to suck - I can feel it.